Saturday, July 15, 2006

Doubts

I am doubting myself a lot lately. I doubt the calling to be a worship leader. I doubt my ability to be disciplined in ANY area of my life. I doubt that I can be a good Mom. I just doubt. I guess it's actually just fear. I hate messing up. I hate it so much more than anything I think.

It's pride.

I hate the thought of messing up and thinking that other people disapprove. That is flesh! Pride, Pride, Pride!!! I want God to kill pride in my life. I want to be so rid of it. Mostly because I know that when it's gone God will be first always.

I want God to always be that. I want God to be real to me. I know he's real and I know I've experienced the "realness" of God....but I guess....there is a challenge in just going to that next level of living out the "realness".

When you know God's realness what do you do with it? Do you live like always? Do you jump off the next cliff he asks you to. I think God is always asking us to jump into deeper waters with Him. I think we just either choose not to follow or we don't even know how to listen.

I want to listen...I want to jump....I want to be real. I guess this whole discipline thing is just hard. But as I am learning...this is flesh and God is in the hard times.

Okay, that's enough of my thoughts for the night.

2 comments:

Ifoundbobbyfisher said...

Your thoughts are beautiful... but what else could come from a beautiful person like you.

The thing is, the God I see in you is real. It's very real. It's real enough to make me envious of what I see in you.

I love you Alotalot.

Natalie said...

Thanks baby. I love you more than life itself.

Love you. Me