There have been days...weeks...NO, MONTHS...that I haven't been able to find a lot to be particularly "joyful" about. Of course, I love my husband, kids and all that God has given me, but my attitude has really stunk lately.
I have a lot to be grateful for and although I thought I was.....I wasn't doing a great job of showing it. There were some things in 2009 that affected me a great deal. It wasn't all bad, but it took a toll on our family emotionally, mentally, physically....etc., etc. We all handle things different, but I tend to forget what God has done and look at what (I think) he hasn't.
And when that happens, my attitude stinks. I get defensive. I become more discontent. I wallow. I become the victim. I am hormonal. Crazy. And I cry a lot in the shower.
Now, a lot of that is just how I am as a woman, but some of it purely is me losing God's vision. I went from holding on to His joy to holding onto my circumstances. That's the worst place I could be. In fact, I didn't even realize it until recently. I was getting ready for work one day and praying about my day. I prayed that God would bless it. Be with me. You know....that kind of stuff. And then my day turned out horrible. I came home upset and ready to spill my guts to Jason. Like a good husband, he listened and let me cry. But then (after my mascara was all over his shirt sleeve) he got up, turned around and said, "This is deeper than a bad day. What happened to your joy? What happened to relying on God?"
What a "punch in the gut, eye opener, take a look at your life changing" statement that was!
So, I sat there. I probably wallowed for 30 more minutes and then I realized...I had forgotten what that mean to rely on God. I had forgotten that HIS joy is my strength. It wasn't even something I had seen in myself. I didn't really know that I didn't have joy until I had thought back about certain situations.
Now it's Sunday, February 21st. It's been about a month since all of this came to a head. I can't say that I am always "joyful", but I have seen a change from the inside out. I've decided to not let my circumstances rule me. To rely on His joy to be my strength. To thank God. To praise God. To OBEY God. To listen for God. To give to God.
It's a good place to be and I have a feeling that I will see God do more through a heart fully surrendered to Him.
Happy Sunday. :)